BROKEN YET BEAUTIFUL
I sat watching the sky
And let my thoughts fly
I felt the hazy breeze
And it put my heart at ease
Felt like phrasing my memories
To write away my dreary
I sat ferreting for words
Just like hunting birds
To vent my pang of distress
And start to live afresh
To while away your memory
Though it remains my hidden treasury
Why couldn I be in limbo!
Somewhere deep in my heart
I have sketched a stone carved art
Of the days we spent together
The most intimate times rather
The days we entrusted each other
I still wonder
The warmth of the tender
all in a while , for me, I wretch
it wasn’t even the broken glass
but only the burnt ash
that stayed with me for long
it all seemed like a treason
though u may not be the sole reason
for our philia was impeccable
with a great bloom
but with different synonym
all to end with a terrible grim
there were times i felt bereaved
and silently heaved
but, time is meant to heal
i began to feel
that bizarre yet true miracle
as I focused on the pinnacle
enduring all the debacles
I started to thrive
so much of life i learnt
With miles to go yet
There are seconds I still pine
But, most of the time on cloud nine!
Just as I looked back
The roads I walked on
Everything appeared as bonbon
Except the space u left
That still remains a huge lacuna!
This is my first completed attempt!!!
pardon my flaws ,if any, dear poetry lovers!
I sat watching the sky
And let my thoughts fly
I felt the hazy breeze
And it put my heart at ease
Felt like phrasing my memories
To write away my dreary
I sat ferreting for words
Just like hunting birds
To vent my pang of distress
And start to live afresh
To while away your memory
Though it remains my hidden treasury
Why couldn I be in limbo!
Somewhere deep in my heart
I have sketched a stone carved art
Of the days we spent together
The most intimate times rather
The days we entrusted each other
I still wonder
The warmth of the tender
all in a while , for me, I wretch
it wasn’t even the broken glass
but only the burnt ash
that stayed with me for long
it all seemed like a treason
though u may not be the sole reason
for our philia was impeccable
with a great bloom
but with different synonym
all to end with a terrible grim
there were times i felt bereaved
and silently heaved
but, time is meant to heal
i began to feel
that bizarre yet true miracle
as I focused on the pinnacle
enduring all the debacles
I started to thrive
so much of life i learnt
With miles to go yet
There are seconds I still pine
But, most of the time on cloud nine!
Just as I looked back
The roads I walked on
Everything appeared as bonbon
Except the space u left
That still remains a huge lacuna!
This is my first completed attempt!!!
pardon my flaws ,if any, dear poetry lovers!
13 comments:
tat was a phenomenal attempt yar...I dint understand much of it though...mebbe am too naive....keep going...
hello lady TR..i jus skimmed thru...wil post a fav comment after readin it
@ preethi
thanks so much 4 ur boostin commment.may be i ll make my next one more lucid!
@ pow
waiting 4 urs!lady TR is too much.. i cannnot hv his cadence!!
Hmmmm. To speak of a void in the mind with such a sensitive nostalgia.... Appealing, very much so. Continue mademoiselle, continue.
thank u sir!happy tat i ve a positive comment 4m a writer!!
hey gr8 attempt yaar...but i found some contradictions....n d first half u spk of some kind of betrayal...but d next half contradicts it...i cldnt understand n wat kind of limbo u r n...
d simile n d foll lines r not clearly expressed
I sat ferreting for words
Just like hunting birds
i know dis s too too much 4 me 2 comment dis way..jus makin my roomie a better writer...
d bon bon thing was truly catchy...
atlast tel me 1 thing 2 whom r u addressing dis poem...A??
First and foremost, I don't classify as an authority who can comment as a writer. I comment as a reader. Period.
Secondly, the poem is long.
It's true that you took the length to vent out your state of mind, but, that may make the readers impatient.
NO, I am not telling that you ought to cut short. I am telling that you ought to write however much you want and not to worry if anybody says they need time to brood over your lines.
Because, the writing is first for yourself and then for us readers.
Carry on ma'am, Auf wiedersehen.
@pow
yeah actually i tried to express the irony of life.. at first i went to showin the adolescent mindset of the girl,longing for relationships, then distress, then learns 4m her experience and gets along wit life. atlast a typical nostalgia!
"i sat ferettin 4 words..." actually i wrote tat way because to express her distress and also her interst in expressin life in words...yeah.. romba pesaren nu nenaikaren.. ok adjust!!
and this isnt addressed to anyone, just imagined an incident nd wrote..!am hearin a lot of stories na!!
and honestly happy abt ur feedback!
hi sooraj,
yeah , i felt tat too.. poem is too lengthy.. actually it was flowin fluently as i wrote! i din wanna restrict tat and reduce the intensity in the expressions of tat character! will remember ur comments wen i try the next one.. once again thank u mr Mandark(this is true in my perspective coz ur actual identity is hidden still!!)
The poem, though being lengthy showed very much that you were writing it in a very contemplating and heartfelt manner. So, no problem about the length mademoiselle, don't worry.
And naturally, for a poet there maybe a ghost-writer too. As the character has been for you. Providing the raw emotion, which, I think, you've articulated excellently.
Carry on mademoiselle. What matters most is the writing. T.S.Eliot says "Fare forward, even if it will not fare well"
yours sincerely,
Mandark:)
Great poem Priya!
This is the first time i am into your blog.
The poem though lengthy was really touchy(your expression of sorrow was really touchy),
the end was superb...
Except the space u left
That still remains a huge lacuna!
you have a great writer in you!
hi priya,,,,
it was a great poem,,,,really touchy,,,,and really soothing,,, can you please write few more poems????
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